God, i try to inscribe you on my flesh, there are moments when a faint outline comes through
but it's temporary.
it fades with the darkness.
each morning, i awake each day to find it
gone.
to find you gone,
leaving no remnant behind.
ani to anochi.
to transform the ephemerality, the intangibility
of spoken word
into something concrete.
into something that stays.
into the indisputable solidity of written word.
please God, won't you stay awhile?
parshat vayetzei, november 18, 1939 in these verses in which God speaks to Jacob in the dream, God first says, "I am God," (Genesis 28:13) using the Hebrew word Ani for "I." Then afterwards God says, "I am with you," using the Hebrew word Anochi for "I," Why does God use two different words, both meaning "I"? The difference between these two is the Hebrew letter kaf, which appears in Anochi but not in Ani. We learn in the Talmud (Sanhedrin 105a) that the Hebrew word Anochi is a notarigon, an aramaic acrostic meaning, "I Myself have written, have given." The word Ani is lacking only the letter kaf, which in the acrostic refers to the word "written." So the difference between Anochi and Ani is the difference between script and speech. In the word Anochi, God refers to having written and then given Himself, while Ani means only that God has spoken and given Himself. The obvious difference is that when something is written, it exists even after the action of writing is completed, while the spoken word exists only while it is being spoken.
This may well be the meaning of the dictum in the Talmud (Pesachim 50a) referring to the name of God, about which it says, "Not as I am written am I spoken." Also in the Talmud (Sota 38a), we learn that it was only in the Temple that the High Priests spoke God's name as it was written, because they had achieved with their speech an active internal holiness that remained with them as though it had been written inside them. The High Priests spoke the name of God as it is written because their speech was comparable to the act of writing. However, this is not the case with us now. Our speech is not comparable to writing, for the impression of holiness has grown feeble, and so we must not pronounce the name of God as it is written.
In times of distress, when we are in pain because the lords of nations of the world rise and fall, and generally in times of suffering, while our hearts yield before God and we fear Him, we need to etch these things into our hearts. Only then will we be able to maintain our fear of God and subjugation to Him after He has saved us from all our troubles. So, when God helps us soon, and saves us from all our troubles, we will remain bonded to Him and truly worshipful of Him with love and fear. This is why at the beginning of the chapter on Jacob's dream it is written, "I (Ani) am the God of your father," and only afterwards it is written, "I (Anochi) am with you." We must strive to attain the level of Anochi, which is "I am written into you." God is saying, "Work to etch Me (Ani) indelibly within you, and then I (Anochi) will be with you always."
והנה כאן מתחילה כתוב אני ד' ואח"כ כתוב אנכי עמך כי החילוק בין אני לאנכי הוא ה׳כ’ ואיתא בגמרא שבת דף קה. אנכ"י נוטריקת אנא נפשאי כתבית יהבית נמצא שאני הוא בלא כתבית כי החילוק בין הכתב להדיבור הוא שמה שנכתב נשאר גם אחר שעשו הפעולה והדיבור רק בשעה שמדברים שומעים
ואפשר זהו גם לא כמו שאני נכתב אני נקרא וכו' פסחים דף נ' ובבהמ"ק אמר הכהן ככתיבתו מסכת סוטה דף ל"ח מפני שהשיגו בקרבם ע"י דיבור עשיה של קדושה שנשארה אצלם כאילו נכתב בהם לכן גם בדיבור אמרו השם ככתבו, כי גם הדיבור בחי' כתיבה היה משא"כ עתה שאין דיבור בחי' כתיבה כי אח"כ הקדושה נחלשת בנו לכן אין יכולים לקרא בבחי' כתיבה
והנה בשעה שצר לנו ואנו סובלים עתה בעת שהשרים עולים ויורדים ובכלל מהצרות לבבנו נכנע לפני ד' ויראים ממנו ית' צריכים לחקוק את הדברים בלבנו שתשאר ההכנעה והיראה מלפניו ית' שגם כשיעזור ד' במהרה לנו מכל צרותינו נהי' משועבדים אליו ית' ונעבדהו באמת באהבה ויראה לכן מתחילה כתיב אני ד' אלוקי ואח" אנכי עמך וכו' שתשתדל לבוא ל אנכי עם כ' גם כתכית שישאר כתוב בקרבך ואז אנכי עמך תמיד
